That fine line...

As much as humility is a good character in any individual, it is also highly important for us to realise there is a fine line between humility & self- depreciation.

As many as there are people who blow their own trumpet or behave arrogantly , there are innumerable people with multi-faceted talents who think they donot "deserve" all the recognition, achievement they received. It could be due to a teacher who made them believe so, as a child or it could be due to being an average child of an over-achieving family. Yes, indeed, freudian theory ! Much of our emotions & habits as an adult is often due to certain incidents and impressions from our childhood.

"I don't deserve this. How can I achieve that? Why will that person love me? I am not good enough for such happiness " Do such thoughts haunt you?

If you fall into any of the above category, you are probably treading on that fine line. You could ask me, the above qualities are of a person with low self esteem not of humble-turned-self depreciatory. It could be or maybe it is a dangerous mix of all three.

If you think you are not worth a success, think again, you are worth that & all more.

If you think you don't deserve a promotion at the office, because some one else is there better than you, think again, there might be traits in you, beneficial for the post.

If you think you are not worth someone's time or worth being loved, think again, you are probably a gem of a person.


My advice to you is only this : Wholeheartedly, believe YOU deserve the best in any situation. You donot need the certificate or vote of honour from another person to believe that. You donot need another individual to validate your existence in a special way to believe that. It start's from YOU alone. You are, after all, a perfect creation of THE PERFECT CREATOR.

.. and, if you are one of those, who knows some one with such qualities please realise...

Such people are quite patient and helpful so much so that their sense of service to others can be often taken advantage of. They can be easily abused by loved ones or by people in power. They often go out of their way to help others.

But along with it, also do know that their patience with you is upto a limit, especially if you have been abusing them of their trust or their time.

They can walk miles on a rocky road without shoes, for you. But with that arises the fact, the soles of their feet might start bleeding after some time, they *might* be forced to stop....

Simple pleasures

I find happiness in ...

• Lying on my warm bed on a cold winter night.
• Mom bringing a hot cup of ginger-tea while I am down with illness.
• Niece snuggling in my hand and going off to sleep.
• Brother coming home for the weekend & then the house is all "noisy"
• Good morning post from friend in Australia when it's only 2 AM here.
• Reading the same book over and over again.
• A friend randomly messaging & making a dua.
• Friend - "Before I go for Umrah, give me your dua list"
• A cold night's silence being broken by the laughter of children playing outside.
• Dad quietly going to masjid for Fajr so as not wake up the baby in the house.
• Reaching back the same weight that I was while in school. Jeans/salwars becoming loose ;)
• Brother bringing gifts from Jaipur -a earring & small hand held mirror.
• Snuggling warm in my bed & watching Friends or Gilmore Girls, episode after episode.
• Learning Tafsir of a Chapter from a Sheikh far away in Texas.
• Listening to stories from the Seerah from a scholar in Zimbawe.
• Retorting to/getting replied to every tweet with a quick witted answer.
• Whatsapp ;)
• Taking an early morning ride through Doha Corniche.
• Reading a "Thoughts Catalog" article which perfectly describes my situation

Eid Blessing !

This blog has always been a reflection of the extremes of my emotions - happiness or sadness !

...and , so I jot down here the exhilarating feeling of the past few days. No words can ever do justice to completely comprehend the depth of what I feel now, but then I shall try.

The past few days again teaches me : Every prayer gets answered at the most perfect of times, as and when, willed by Allah. Alhamdulilah.

I became an aunt to a beautiful baby girl born in the wee morning hours of the day of Eid al Adha. ( Dhul Hijjah 10 1433/ October 26th 2012). Alhamdulilah Ya Rabb.

Alhamdulilah, sister and baby are doing fine :-)

A blessing so tiny in her size yet has already captured all our hearts. A blessing for us to turn back to Him to say the word  of Shukr for His cloak of Rahma , always on our family. A blessing where we have already fully enveloped and embraced another new person into our family and our lives, as though she has always been a part of us, all this while. A blessing whom we have loved even before she was born.

For me, personally, a blessing to always remind myself, to never lose hope. No tears go unseen by the Almighty.

I know, I have made dua for this particular blessing in the early morning hours in Tahajjud, during the time I break my fast, in the nights of Ramadan, while I travel, while it rains, in the evening hours on a friday - every occasion where we have been promised our duas will get answered... & I know, every member of my family has done the same. Alhamdulilah, a million times , for our prayers being answered.

There comes a time in every family, when the kids have finished school, left for college or got married and a silence descends. A grandchild changes the entire dynamic of the family and brings in a whole lot of ''welcomed noise'' :-)

To my baby niece : I shall forever remind you how much of hope you brought to me at a time when I thought I shall have none anymore. I could sit all day gazing at your peaceful sleeping face.

May Allah bless you with the best in this world and the next.
May He make you, a coolness of your parent's eyes.
May He make you a blessed member of Our Ummah who helps in carrying forward the flag of our Deen
May He keep you protected,always - Ameen

...and, alhamdulilah, since you are blessed with your dad's good looks, I pray that you are blessed with your mom's intelligence ;) - Ameen        

( Ma sha Allah, Tabaraka Allah )


Sometimes, photographs can never really capture the entire moment. Words start failing. Yet, they are the moments truly lived.

Cousin Gyaan!

On having many ''adventurous'' situations during my flights between Doha and Bangalore over the years, one of my cousins remarked, " Everything in my life, be it job or personal, is similar to yours. There is always always a setback initially. But eventually, everything straightens itself "

Today, he is working in a top firm in Makkah, being able to pray all 5 times in The Haram.

I have hope.

Alhamdulilah

Tick Tock - 2

“Believe that this way of living, this focus on the present, the daily, the tangible, this intense concentration not on the news headlines but on the flowers growing in your own garden, the children growing in your own home, this way of living has the potential to open up the heavens, to yield a glittering handful of diamonds where a second ago there was coal. This way of living and noticing and building and crafting can crack through the movie sets and soundtracks that keep us waiting for our own life stories to begin, and set us free to observe the lives we have been creating all along without ever realizing it.

I don’t want to wait anymore. I choose to believe that there is nothing more sacred or profound than this day. I choose to believe that there may be a thousand big moments embedded in this day, waiting to be discovered like tiny shards of gold. The big moments are the daily, tiny moments of courage and forgiveness and hope that we grab on to and extend to one another. That’s the drama of life, swirling all around us, and generally I don’t even see it, because I’m too busy waiting to become whatever it is I think I am about to become. The big moments are in every hour, every conversation, every meal, every meeting.

The Heisman Trophy winner knows this. He knows that his big moment was not when they gave him the trophy. It was the thousand times he went to practice instead of going back to bed. It was the miles run on rainy days, the healthy meals when a burger sounded like heaven. That big moment represented and rested on a foundation of moments that had come before it.

I believe that if we cultivate a true attention, a deep ability to see what has been there all along, we will find worlds within us and between us, dreams and stories and memories spilling over. The nuances and shades and secrets and intimations of love and friendship and marriage an parenting are action-packed and multicolored, if you know where to look.

Today is your big moment. Moments, really. The life you’ve been waiting for is happening all around you. The scene unfolding right outside your window is worth more than the most beautiful painting, and the crackers and peanut butter that you’re having for lunch on the coffee table are as profound, in their own way, as the Last Supper. This is it. This is life in all its glory, swirling and unfolding around us, disguised as pedantic, pedestrian non-events. But pull of the mask and you will find your life, waiting to be made, chosen, woven, crafted.

Your life, right now, today, is exploding with energy and power and detail and dimension, better than the best movie you have ever seen. You and your family and your friends and your house and your dinner table and your garage have all the makings of a life of epic proportions, a story for the ages. Because they all are. Every life is.

You have stories worth telling, memories worth remembering, dreams worth working toward, a body worth feeding, a soul worth tending, and beyond that, the God of the universe dwells within you, the true culmination of super and natural.
You are more than dust and bones.
You are spirit and power and image of God.
And you have been given Today.” 

― Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life

Read the first part here

MCD - 13

July of 2010.

Final year exams in full swing. Taking a toll on our physical and mental strength. Done with theory and the 7 dreaded clinicals were left.

One of our final year subjects is Pedodontics (Pediatric Dentistry) and as the name suggests deals with oral health of children. Since we were dealing with very young children sometimes as young as 4 , we were told by our staff to take written consent from the child's parent and also pick & drop the child at home (as the case may be!)

I met the parents of my shy 11 year old patient. After introducing myself and informing the parents of the treatment needs of the child, I was about to leave when the dad tells me, 'I have only one son. Please do take care of my child '. I reassured him and told, I myself will drop the child back at home (since the dad had work that day). Also gave my contact number and took the parent's number too.

The exam went well. Clinical viva went excellent and we were told by the staff to get ourselves ready for the theory viva. Since my name begins with "S" and roll number is almost towards the end, it would took some more time for my viva to begin. So I told my friend to drop my patient along with hers. I went back to preparing for the viva.

Around half an hour later, I see my friend running up and down the hospital giving me tensed stares at times and at times not looking at my face itself. Finally my viva got over. Seeing her franatically pace all over the department, I asked her what was the problem. After slight hesitation, she admitted the little boy who was my patient was missing. I completely LOST my temper with her. For having trusted her to do the job and we are talking about a very small child here. We started searching the entire college (..and that is no small feat due to the huge size of the college.) On top of it all, I had started getting calls from the dad.....

I didn't know what to do. I was worried about the safety of the child. I worried about the dad. I was feeling dizzy with all the tension.

Finally the guys in our class went with their bikes to the area around the child's house to see if by any chance, he had reached back on his own.... and, there he was !! Apparently, he got lost from the crowd of kids and found his way back home on his own.

I didn't know if to be mad at him for going without letting me know or heave a sigh of relief on knowing he was safe.

(Since the parents weren't in the hospital, they weren't aware of the confusion... )

I am no where near being a guardian of a child on my own...

...But for those two hours, I was a parent and it was my child who was lost. And I was WORRIED !!

MCD - 12

Aug of 2010.

Our final year results came out. Alhamdulilah got a first class and stood 4th in college. Still I had a lingering depression over me so much so I hated going for internship during those initial days.

The reason for the depression was neither did I top in college nor did I top in any of the subjects ( or so I thought then according to the rough calculation amongst pals). Now you might be thinking, 'What a silly reason to be depressed'. To an extent, I agree (now!), but also, I had continually done well in college ,or atleast 2nd and 3rd year and so, suddenly these results were disappointing to me.

I made dua. Continual dua. I asked Allah for happiness and to protect me from sadness and depression. I studied that Hadith* of Rasullullah SAW as reported by Abdullahi Ibn Masud, which says, by repeating it, Allah will take away distress and grief, and replace it with joy...

With days, I had forgotten about the inital sadness and was completely enjoying my free internship days. ( Being forgetful of our past despair and sadness with time, a mercy from Allah, truly, Subhana Allah)

Fast forward to August 2011.

The official list of subject wise rankholders was put up. Surprisingly, I had topped in two subjects. Ma sha Allah. Alhamdulilah.

I did wonder why did I put myself under so much of sadness then !? Why did I think less of myself ? Why did I put down my worth in front of my own eyes, when clearly I had done my level best in studying !?

Not only does this incident remind me of the fact, that most of our worries and sadness are truly baseless, but also, it teaches me a far greater lesson.

Maybe, Allah hid the fact from me initially, so that, I went back to Him with a far greater intensity than before. Maybe my 'Dhikr' was lacking and maybe this sadness helped me to be back on track. Allah knows best.

Every obstacle, adversity, depression, sadness and despair is a detour for us to turn back to Him. It is a medicine to increase our Sabr. It might be a push to prolong our Sajdah. It might be to nudge us to ponder over His words. It might be a way for those dark sins to be washed away. It might be purifying us to enter His Garden. Allah knows best.

A delay never means 'negative'. A delay only means your are being purified and prepared for the best to come.

No dua goes unaswered. Every supplication is answered either in this world or in the Hereafter.

Again, I am going through a phase in which I myself doubt every single ounce of ability and talent, I have. I am insecure of my looks, of achievements, of me myself. All I have now is duas, duas and more duas. Remembering this incident gives me respite and hope.

This post is written , first and foremost, to calm myself and to strengthen my Iman again. And to anyone who comes across this and is going through the same predicament, I wish you peace and strength of mind. Trust your Maker. The Once closer to you than your jugular vein knows you better than you, yourself !

Till next,
Adios