Grief.

I have rules, mostly made by myself, for myself. I have to always follow them. It has always been like that. Things have to be prim and proper.

As a child, my hair had to be always tied neatly or else I would create tantrums. Often, I fought with my mom regarding it. Once while in Calicut, at my grandparent's place, I was getting ready and mom was plaiting my hair. I didn't like the way she was tying my hair and started arguing with her. Exasperated with my tantrums, mom said, "Go to your grandma. She knows to tie well. After all, she has many daughters na."

I ran to my grandma and said her, 'You have 5 daughters, right. So you would know how to braid hair properly na. Please, tie my hair too."

She replied, "Not 5, I had 6 daughters!"

Little did I know then, even 40 years later, she was a grieving mother !

(May Allah bless my chaachi-grandma and the aunt- whom I have never met in this life - with the highest place in Jannah and may He reunite us again in His eternal blissful gardens)

End of lives at the end of a rope !

Back in June, I was just skimming through my FB newsfeed and I saw a 'Rest in Peace' post on one of my senior's FB wall, by her class mate. I immediately messaged a fellow cassmate and asked her what happened to S (as we shall refer her here). I never expected to hear what I heard. 'She suicided due to some marital troubles'. I donot know if it was suicide itself or murder by her in laws, as was claimed by her family.

To know that one of my own seniors was no more, was a difficult fact for me to digest and believe. She was one of the first few seniors I came to befriend in college, since we stayed in the same hostel.

A few weeks ago, I came to hear of the sudden suicide of a lawyer-beautician-business woman. I cannot express in words, my shock on hearing the news. I had just met and interacted with the lady a month prior to the incident. She was well educated, financially well off and a reputed lady in her community. Seeing her lifestyle and smiling nature, no one could have ever even thought that she would ever take such a fatal step.

.......and we all would have read of the suicide story of Jiah Khan, a young famous Bollywood actress of Ghajini fame.

That brings me to this post. Suicide. What pushes a person to take that final step? What are her thoughts right before? Why cannot we or the close ones, most often, not ascertain or even just have a clue of the difficulties the said person is going through?

I used to think the rich and the famous would be happy. But reading of many celebrity-suicides, we can, with finality, say fame and money alone cannot bring true happiness.

Happy FB pictures with kid, spouse, friends donot always mean the person is truly happy- so teaches me one of the above incidents.

Education. Spouse. Kids. Family. Beauty. Why should a person who has everything we consider as essential requirements of a well-settled life, ever have to take such a fatal step, we wonder...

Then I recall a casual tweet, I had read on my twitter timeline, ' Had it not been for my faith, I would have been mud by now'. That, precisely that, is what can help a person from taking away her own precious life. Undying faith in a higher power. A merciful and beneficient God, who knows your every tear, every trouble, every feeling of distress ! Who teaches you by way of adversities and obstacles , your own strength and your resilience. I recall one of the oft repeating Ayah (verse) from the Holy Qur'an - No soul shall be tested beyond its scope. Meaning your troubles are tailor-made for you. He alone knows your capabilities and strength to face your sadness and despair.

Faith in God. Faith in the Hereafter, a place where justice will be served. Faith in destiny -good or evil. A triad that will help us in overcoming difficulties.
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To any person going through such thoughts, I have only one sentence to say : You cannot be replaced !  Your role in this world can be filled only by you.

I leave with one of my favourite verses from the Holy Qur'an.  "For indeed with hardship will be ease. Indeed with hardship will be ease " (Verse 5 & 6 of the 94th chapter - Surah Sharh) The verse doesn't say after hardship, there will be ease. It says, with hardship,  there is ease. As we are going through our difficulties,  there is another way opening up for us! Most often, it is just not evident to us !

That fine line...

As much as humility is a good character in any individual, it is also highly important for us to realise there is a fine line between humility & self- depreciation.

As many as there are people who blow their own trumpet or behave arrogantly , there are innumerable people with multi-faceted talents who think they donot "deserve" all the recognition, achievement they received. It could be due to a teacher who made them believe so, as a child or it could be due to being an average child of an over-achieving family. Yes, indeed, freudian theory ! Much of our emotions & habits as an adult is often due to certain incidents and impressions from our childhood.

"I don't deserve this. How can I achieve that? Why will that person love me? I am not good enough for such happiness " Do such thoughts haunt you?

If you fall into any of the above category, you are probably treading on that fine line. You could ask me, the above qualities are of a person with low self esteem not of humble-turned-self depreciatory. It could be or maybe it is a dangerous mix of all three.

If you think you are not worth a success, think again, you are worth that & all more.

If you think you don't deserve a promotion at the office, because some one else is there better than you, think again, there might be traits in you, beneficial for the post.

If you think you are not worth someone's time or worth being loved, think again, you are probably a gem of a person.


My advice to you is only this : Wholeheartedly, believe YOU deserve the best in any situation. You donot need the certificate or vote of honour from another person to believe that. You donot need another individual to validate your existence in a special way to believe that. It start's from YOU alone. You are, after all, a perfect creation of THE PERFECT CREATOR.

.. and, if you are one of those, who knows some one with such qualities please realise...

Such people are quite patient and helpful so much so that their sense of service to others can be often taken advantage of. They can be easily abused by loved ones or by people in power. They often go out of their way to help others.

But along with it, also do know that their patience with you is upto a limit, especially if you have been abusing them of their trust or their time.

They can walk miles on a rocky road without shoes, for you. But with that arises the fact, the soles of their feet might start bleeding after some time, they *might* be forced to stop....

MCD - 12

Aug of 2010.

Our final year results came out. Alhamdulilah got a first class and stood 4th in college. Still I had a lingering depression over me so much so I hated going for internship during those initial days.

The reason for the depression was neither did I top in college nor did I top in any of the subjects ( or so I thought then according to the rough calculation amongst pals). Now you might be thinking, 'What a silly reason to be depressed'. To an extent, I agree (now!), but also, I had continually done well in college ,or atleast 2nd and 3rd year and so, suddenly these results were disappointing to me.

I made dua. Continual dua. I asked Allah for happiness and to protect me from sadness and depression. I studied that Hadith* of Rasullullah SAW as reported by Abdullahi Ibn Masud, which says, by repeating it, Allah will take away distress and grief, and replace it with joy...

With days, I had forgotten about the inital sadness and was completely enjoying my free internship days. ( Being forgetful of our past despair and sadness with time, a mercy from Allah, truly, Subhana Allah)

Fast forward to August 2011.

The official list of subject wise rankholders was put up. Surprisingly, I had topped in two subjects. Ma sha Allah. Alhamdulilah.

I did wonder why did I put myself under so much of sadness then !? Why did I think less of myself ? Why did I put down my worth in front of my own eyes, when clearly I had done my level best in studying !?

Not only does this incident remind me of the fact, that most of our worries and sadness are truly baseless, but also, it teaches me a far greater lesson.

Maybe, Allah hid the fact from me initially, so that, I went back to Him with a far greater intensity than before. Maybe my 'Dhikr' was lacking and maybe this sadness helped me to be back on track. Allah knows best.

Every obstacle, adversity, depression, sadness and despair is a detour for us to turn back to Him. It is a medicine to increase our Sabr. It might be a push to prolong our Sajdah. It might be to nudge us to ponder over His words. It might be a way for those dark sins to be washed away. It might be purifying us to enter His Garden. Allah knows best.

A delay never means 'negative'. A delay only means your are being purified and prepared for the best to come.

No dua goes unaswered. Every supplication is answered either in this world or in the Hereafter.

Again, I am going through a phase in which I myself doubt every single ounce of ability and talent, I have. I am insecure of my looks, of achievements, of me myself. All I have now is duas, duas and more duas. Remembering this incident gives me respite and hope.

This post is written , first and foremost, to calm myself and to strengthen my Iman again. And to anyone who comes across this and is going through the same predicament, I wish you peace and strength of mind. Trust your Maker. The Once closer to you than your jugular vein knows you better than you, yourself !

Till next,
Adios

A little girl taught me....

This happened to day - Friday ,20th July. I cant help blog about it because it touched and literally left me moist eyed.

One of our neighbours lost her husband in a car accident on the eve of last Ramadan in Makkah. She is struggling to make her ends meet due to some financial difficulties.

Even with all the difficulties facing her,she tries to give her two little children the best education possible. Her eldest daughter who is in 4 th or 5th grade is a talented painter. The daughter was advised by her class teacher to join for a painting course nearby. The fees was about Rs. 300 for the same besides the transportation charges. The mother being unable to afford the fees said the daughter she couldn't go for the course. Daughter calmly said 'Its ok'.

Evening, since it is Ramadan eve , one of their extended family member gave them some money. Mother explained to the daughter that she will finally enroll her for the course.

That young daughter who is at an age when others would be worrying about dolls and toys, said , 'Allah actually listened to my dua. I prayed for it today afternoon at Jumuah'

Even writing about it makes me teary.


I am amazed at the young girl's tawakkal on Allah and her maturity to grow according to the situation at her home. I pray with a sincere heart, Allah gives the family sustenance and Barakah with her talents.

May Allah shower on them abundant blessings. May He ease their difficulties.

May He bless their father with Jannah.

..... " Appappa"

Mar 27 2012. My (maternal) grandfather left for his eternal abode. May Allah forgive his sins, shower on him mercy & bless him with Jannathul Firdaus - Ameen.

...And suddenly I am left with no grandparent. All four of my grandparents have left the realm of this world. Inna Lillahi Wa Inna Ilehi Rajioon.

I miss all of them. Each in their own way. I know I am a product of multiplication of their genes. I carry with in me, atleast a trait or a habit or a character of them, which I myself might not be aware of.

We used to call our (maternal) grandfather - Appappa. I donot know which of my elder cousins came up with that name. But to everyone around, his grandkids and neighbour's kids, he was appappa.

To everyone who knew him, I am sure, the foremost memory which will come to them, of him, would be of his wit and humour. I remember, every summer when I used to India for my summer vacation, sitting and chuckling at his witty stories.

I didnot know of the hidden acts of kindness he had done, the innumerable help he had done to the poor people in our locality(until actually I heard someone casually mention of them). I am pretty sure none of his kids or grandkids also know of them. Only Allah, he & the receipients of his kind act do know of them. May Allah accept his every good deed and action.

Everytime I used to come to Calicut from college for a small break or so, he used to make sure I had chicken ,beef or something special to eat :D, cos "Avalkku hostelil onnum nallethu kittathetha(she doesnt get anything good in hostel)" even if it meant calling his favourite "right man" Koyammu, to go to the grocery, at an odd time of the day.

I called up and screamed to him the day when my final year results came to tell "I became a DOCTOR" !!! And he showered me with his blessings and love. I called him up after my Convocation to tell "I become a graduate" and there was pride beaming in his voice. He was the only grandparent I had to, finally tell that a dream of a lifetime did become a reality for me. Alhamdulilah

The last I talked to him was during my PG entrance exams and he gave me his best wishes. He told me " You should do your master's some day sure" Insha'allah, some day I will, Insha'allah , with Lord's grace !

He was so quite worried when my lil brother went to Jaipur for his engineering. He worried everytime I travelled to and fro , blore & doha. A grandparent's love can only be shown by a grandparent. In their wisdom of age, a lifetime of experience and spirituality ,indeed, there are lessons for us to learn.

Sooner or later, I will meet the man I will spend the rest of my life with (In sha'Allah ) and it saddens me no end to realize that "my man" would never be able to see my grandpa or any of my grandparents. I can only recount stories to him and my children ( In sha'Allah )

Someday soon when I make "Pathiri" from start to end on my own, I would dearly want to let grandpa know of it :( He always used to tease me "Pallu Undakunethu mathram padichal pora, pathiri undakunethum padikkanam" ---> (Learning how to make teeth alone isn't enough, you gotta learn how to make Pathiri too) Ah ! I miss you, Appappa , I really do... :(

He got married to grandma when he was 23 and she was 13. They lived together for 55+ years happily until she passed away in 2003. He lived 9 years alone without her. I often used to wonder how difficult it would have been for him ! And my cousin sis used to say, after grandma's death, he was never actually fully himself :(

He is survived today by 7 children, 24 grandkids,26 great grandkids and the family grows...... In sha Allah

In course of life, every human comes across situations like these. Death - that indeed is the truest fact of life. This grief and sorrow of losing a loved one will always be within us, until we close our own eyes. There will come a place where no grief shall touch us and where we will be with our loved ones. That is His Promised Gardens of Jannah.

May Allah Subhanahu Wa Tala' unite us again with our loved ones in the eternal blissful gardens of His Jannah - Ameen.

(and a small article in Malayalam http://malabardigest.com/?p=849
)

MCD 4

It was the April of 2007.

I was close to her.Pretty close to her...she heard my every conversation on phone, she saw my every mood, she knew about all my close friends from school... 'She' was my room mate.

.... & then my money started getting stolen. Little by little, initially & then later to bigger amounts.

Time & again, all the evidences pointed to her. But I was too scared & hurt to confront her. Initially did not let my parents or friends know about it.

I could never confront her directly, neither did she ever accept the fact. She always said she was misunderstood. I doubted myself in even having accusing thoughts about her. I still donot know what the truth is. Or ever I will get answers to all the lies she said me.

It was January of 2009.

After having a long day , finishing my pending Oral Pathology Project, was walking back to my hostel from my friends. It became late , almost 9 in the night. I was carrying my laptop bag +college bag (which resembles a laptop bag too ) on my either shoulders. Suddenly a bike slowed down & snatched my college bag ( I presume supposing it to be the laptop bag ) . For a minute there, I did not know how to react. By the time, I regained my senses, the bike had taken a good head start. Though some of the friends who saw the incident went behind the robbers, they could not get hold of him. I never got my bag back. Nothing valuable , there was, except for my Oral Path Project which I had to start & complete all over again in a gap of 2 days.

The second incident never left its mark on me much, besides to be careful while I walk in the night.

But the first incident made an imprint on me forever...

I realized the people who can stab you worst are the ones whom are you most close to. As for the harsh words/actions of unknown people whom you meet on life's ways, it can never really impinge !

Be careful before you open your heart to some one !

...& One day, Insha'allah!

Haven't you noticed,many a times,we think when we get that perfect score on a test,get the latest gadget,be back with our family, or meet our better half,that the sorrow will fade away, that we will become happy again?

But also haven't u seen, even when we 'procure' these worldly joys,a sorrows lingers somewhere,a melancholy strikes deep,quite often,unexplainable?

Check out the video & see if it explains atleast a little of the answers to the above questions.