"I have always, essentially, been waiting. Waiting to become something else, waiting to be that person I always thought I was on the verge of becoming, waiting for that life I thought I would have. In my head, I was always one step away. In high school, I was biding my time until I could become the college version of myself, the one my mind could see so clearly. In college, the post-college “adult” person was always looming in front of me, smarter, stronger, more organized. Then the married person, then the person I’d become when we have kids.
For twenty years, literally, I have waited to become the thin version of myself, because that’s when life will really begin.
And through all that waiting, here I am. My life is passing, day by day, and I am waiting for it to start. I am waiting for that time, that person, that event when my life will finally begin.
I love movies about “The Big Moment” – the game or the performance or the wedding day or the record deal, the stories that split time with that key event, and everything is reframed, before it and after it, because it has changed everything. I have always wanted this movie-worthy event, something that will change everything and grab me out of this waiting game into the whirlwind in front of me. I cry and cry at these movies, because I am still waiting for my own big moment. I had visions of life as an adventure, a thing to be celebrated and experienced, but all I was doing was going to work and coming home, and that wasn’t what it looked like in the movies.
John Lennon once said, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” For me, life is what was happening while I was busy waiting for my big moment. I was ready for it and believed that the rest of my life would fade into the background, and that my big moment would carry me through life like a lifeboat.The Big Moment, unfortunately, is an urban myth. Some people have them, in a sense, when they win the Heisman or become the next American Idol. But even that football player or that singer is living a life made up of more than that one moment. Life is a collection of a million, billion moments, tiny little moments and choices, like a handful of luminous, glowing pearl. It takes so much time, and so much work, and those beads and moments are so small, and so much less fabulous and dramatic than the movies.
But this is what I’m finding, in glimpses and flashes: this is it. This is it, in the best possible way. That thing I’m waiting for, that adventure, that move-score-worthy experience unfolding gracefully. This is it. Normal, daily life ticking by on our streets and sidewalks, in our houses and apartments, in our beds and at our dinner tables, in our dreams and prayers and fights and secrets – this pedestrian life is the most precious thing any of use will ever experience."
-Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life
(From : http://pinterest.com/pin/266767977897005610/ )
Reading the above post on Pinterest by made me think. It is indeed true. We are often waiting. Waiting for our dreams to get fulfilled, our needs be met, our voids be filled.
During my 5 years of college, I wanted to be back in Doha. I used to think then, "oh yeah my 11 & 12th grade used to be soo good. Such good friends.blah.blah" until I came back home once and read through my old journals , which I had written while I was in high school. Most of the entires there were like , 'I wanna get out of the place' blah. Blah.
So basically this was the cycle .
While in school, wanted to finish it, get out of Doha, explore new places and people.
While in college, missed home, missed doha, had some crappy incidents, so there, wanted to finish it, come back to Doha & be with the family. Maybe even work here.
Now I am post college and am home. I am absolutely free. No duty, no responsibilites, no troubles and no studying nightmare also ---> kind of some thing like I wanted while I was preparing for my finals or my post graduate entrance. Now I want to leave Doha again, cos I am bored of doing nothing. Additionally, dream of better days, personally & professionally !
So basically , I realized, I have never learnt to enjoy the moment. I never take in the very essence of "single many moments finally make our life". I forget to realize that every single incident- good,bad or horrible- of past 6 years of life after school have made me what I am today. I wouldn't have been "me" as I am now, hadn't I gone through those !
Like these days , I am doing absolutely nothing besides driving classes ! I read, write, blog, tweet, watch serials, and pray big time. This is all, that I do of late. I donot interact much with my friends either online or through phone (No reasons , just until I clear my head and start functioning productively again, I am in my own coccoon) So basically my point is, there might come a time in my life when I am dealing with a husband, a child (or children) , a job (or a post graduate program) and have my days completely scheduled from 4 in the morning to 12 in the night & then maybe , I might miss these "doing-nothing-other-than-dream-of-a-better-tomorrow" days !!
These "completely free" days are exactly what once I dreamt of when I was utterly busy. So why am I complaining or whining over having to "do nothing " ?
Again comes back to the whole reason for this post - Waiting - How many years of our life do we waste waiting for things that would never come?
...and then I realize , feeling complete with all our desires/dreams/wishes can never be felt in the Dunya. It is an aspect of Jannah alone !
...and then I realize , feeling complete with all our desires/dreams/wishes can never be felt in the Dunya. It is an aspect of Jannah alone !
Before I sign off, I leave with this song by Sami Yusuf - Make me strong
