• My Abode of Peace

    Where we love is home - home that our feet may leave, but never our hearts. (Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr)

  • Solace

    When nothing can comfort you, His words can. His words always will.

  • Some days, the view looks scary. Trust Him. He is the Best of Planners.

  • Showers of blessing.

    Clouds come floating in to my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add colour to my sunset sky. (Tagore)

  • Hop and Jump

    For in every adult there dwells the child that was, and in every child there lies the adult that will be.(John Connolly)

That fine line...

Dec 26, 2012
As much as humility is a good character in any individual, it is also highly important for us to realise there is a fine line between humility & self- depreciation.

As many as there are people who blow their own trumpet or behave arrogantly , there are innumerable people with multi-faceted talents who think they donot "deserve" all the recognition, achievement they received. It could be due to a teacher who made them believe so, as a child or it could be due to being an average child of an over-achieving family. Yes, indeed, freudian theory ! Much of our emotions & habits as an adult is often due to certain incidents and impressions from our childhood.

"I don't deserve this. How can I achieve that? Why will that person love me? I am not good enough for such happiness " Do such thoughts haunt you?

If you fall into any of the above category, you are probably treading on that fine line. You could ask me, the above qualities are of a person with low self esteem not of humble-turned-self depreciatory. It could be or maybe it is a dangerous mix of all three.

If you think you are not worth a success, think again, you are worth that & all more.

If you think you don't deserve a promotion at the office, because some one else is there better than you, think again, there might be traits in you, beneficial for the post.

If you think you are not worth someone's time or worth being loved, think again, you are probably a gem of a person.

My advice to you is only this : Wholeheartedly, believe YOU deserve the best in any situation. You donot need the certificate or vote of honour from another person to believe that. You donot need another individual to validate your existence in a special way to believe that. It start's from YOU alone. You are, after all, a perfect creation of THE PERFECT CREATOR.

.. and, if you are one of those, who knows some one with such qualities please realise...

Such people are quite patient and helpful so much so that their sense of service to others can be often taken advantage of. They can be easily abused by loved ones or by people in power. They often go out of their way to help others.

But along with it, also do know that their patience with you is upto a limit, especially if you have been abusing them of their trust or their time.

They can walk miles on a rocky road without shoes, for you. But with that arises the fact, the soles of their feet might start bleeding after some time, they *might* be forced to stop....

Simple pleasures

Dec 22, 2012
I find happiness in ...

  • Lying on my warm bed on a cold winter night.
  • Mom bringing a hot cup of ginger-tea while I am down with illness.
  • Niece snuggling in my hand and going off to sleep.
  • Brother coming home for the weekend & then the house is all "noisy"
  • Good morning post from friend in Australia when it's only 2 AM here.
  • Reading the same book over and over again.
  • A friend randomly messaging & making a dua.
  • Friend - "Before I go for Umrah, give me your dua list"
  • A cold night's silence being broken by the laughter of children playing outside.
  • Dad quietly going to masjid for Fajr so as not wake up the baby in the house.
  • Reaching back the same weight that I was while in school. Jeans/salwars becoming loose ;)
  • Brother bringing gifts from Jaipur -a earring & small hand held mirror.
  • Snuggling warm in my bed & watching Friends or Gilmore Girls, episode after episode.
  • Learning Tafsir of a Chapter from a Sheikh far away in Texas.
  • Listening to stories from the Seerah from a scholar in Zimbawe.
  • Retorting to/getting replied to every tweet with a quick witted answer.
  • Whatsapp ;)
  • Taking an early morning ride through Doha Corniche.
  • Reading a "Thoughts Catalog" article which perfectly describes my situation

Eid Blessing !

Oct 28, 2012
This blog has always been a reflection of the extremes of my emotions - happiness or sadness !

...and , so I jot down here the exhilarating feeling of the past few days. No words can ever do justice to completely comprehend the depth of what I feel now, but then I shall try.

The past few days again teaches me : Every prayer gets answered at the most perfect of times, as and when, willed by Allah. Alhamdulilah.

I became an aunt to a beautiful baby girl born in the wee morning hours of the day of Eid al Adha. ( Dhul Hijjah 10 1433/ October 26th 2012). Alhamdulilah Ya Rabb.

Alhamdulilah, sister and baby are doing fine :-)

A blessing so tiny in her size yet has already captured all our hearts. A blessing for us to turn back to Him to say the word  of Shukr for His cloak of Rahma , always on our family. A blessing where we have already fully enveloped and embraced another new person into our family and our lives, as though she has always been a part of us, all this while. A blessing whom we have loved even before she was born.

For me, personally, a blessing to always remind myself, to never lose hope. No tears go unseen by the Almighty.

I know, I have made dua for this particular blessing in the early morning hours in Tahajjud, during the time I break my fast, in the nights of Ramadan, while I travel, while it rains, in the evening hours on a friday - every occasion where we have been promised our duas will get answered... & I know, every member of my family has done the same. Alhamdulilah, a million times , for our prayers being answered.

There comes a time in every family, when the kids have finished school, left for college or got married and a silence descends. A grandchild changes the entire dynamic of the family and brings in a whole lot of ''welcomed noise'' :-)

To my baby niece : I shall forever remind you how much of hope you brought to me at a time when I thought I shall have none anymore. I could sit all day gazing at your peaceful sleeping face.

May Allah bless you with the best in this world and the next.
May He make you, a coolness of your parent's eyes.
May He make you a blessed member of Our Ummah who helps in carrying forward the flag of our Deen
May He keep you protected,always - Ameen

...and, alhamdulilah, since you are blessed with your dad's good looks, I pray that you are blessed with your mom's intelligence ;) - Ameen        

( Ma sha Allah, Tabaraka Allah )

Sometimes, photographs can never really capture the entire moment. Words start failing. Yet, they are the moments truly lived.

Cousin Gyaan!

Oct 23, 2012

On having many ''adventurous'' situations during my flights between Doha and Bangalore over the years, one of my cousins remarked, " Everything in my life, be it job or personal, is similar to yours. There is always always a setback initially. But eventually, everything straightens itself "

Today, he is working in a top firm in Makkah, being able to pray all 5 times in The Haram.

I have hope.


Tick Tock - 2

Oct 13, 2012
“Believe that this way of living, this focus on the present, the daily, the tangible, this intense concentration not on the news headlines but on the flowers growing in your own garden, the children growing in your own home, this way of living has the potential to open up the heavens, to yield a glittering handful of diamonds where a second ago there was coal. This way of living and noticing and building and crafting can crack through the movie sets and soundtracks that keep us waiting for our own life stories to begin, and set us free to observe the lives we have been creating all along without ever realizing it.

I don’t want to wait anymore. I choose to believe that there is nothing more sacred or profound than this day. I choose to believe that there may be a thousand big moments embedded in this day, waiting to be discovered like tiny shards of gold. The big moments are the daily, tiny moments of courage and forgiveness and hope that we grab on to and extend to one another. That’s the drama of life, swirling all around us, and generally I don’t even see it, because I’m too busy waiting to become whatever it is I think I am about to become. The big moments are in every hour, every conversation, every meal, every meeting.

The Heisman Trophy winner knows this. He knows that his big moment was not when they gave him the trophy. It was the thousand times he went to practice instead of going back to bed. It was the miles run on rainy days, the healthy meals when a burger sounded like heaven. That big moment represented and rested on a foundation of moments that had come before it.

I believe that if we cultivate a true attention, a deep ability to see what has been there all along, we will find worlds within us and between us, dreams and stories and memories spilling over. The nuances and shades and secrets and intimations of love and friendship and marriage an parenting are action-packed and multicolored, if you know where to look.

Today is your big moment. Moments, really. The life you’ve been waiting for is happening all around you. The scene unfolding right outside your window is worth more than the most beautiful painting, and the crackers and peanut butter that you’re having for lunch on the coffee table are as profound, in their own way, as the Last Supper. This is it. This is life in all its glory, swirling and unfolding around us, disguised as pedantic, pedestrian non-events. But pull of the mask and you will find your life, waiting to be made, chosen, woven, crafted.

Your life, right now, today, is exploding with energy and power and detail and dimension, better than the best movie you have ever seen. You and your family and your friends and your house and your dinner table and your garage have all the makings of a life of epic proportions, a story for the ages. Because they all are. Every life is.

You have stories worth telling, memories worth remembering, dreams worth working toward, a body worth feeding, a soul worth tending, and beyond that, the God of the universe dwells within you, the true culmination of super and natural.
You are more than dust and bones.
You are spirit and power and image of God.
And you have been given Today.” 

Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life

Read the first part here

MCD - 13

Sep 9, 2012
July of 2010.

Final year exams in full swing. Taking a toll on our physical and mental strength. Done with theory and the 7 dreaded clinicals were left.

One of our final year subjects is Pedodontics (Pediatric Dentistry) and as the name suggests deals with oral health of children. Since we were dealing with very young children sometimes as young as 4 , we were told by our staff to take written consent from the child's parent and also pick & drop the child at home (as the case may be!)

I met the parents of my shy 11 year old patient. After introducing myself and informing the parents of the treatment needs of the child, I was about to leave when the dad tells me, 'I have only one son. Please do take care of my child '. I reassured him and told, I myself will drop the child back at home (since the dad had work that day). Also gave my contact number and took the parent's number too.

The exam went well. Clinical viva went excellent and we were told by the staff to get ourselves ready for the theory viva. Since my name begins with "S" and roll number is almost towards the end, it would took some more time for my viva to begin. So I told my friend to drop my patient along with hers. I went back to preparing for the viva.

Around half an hour later, I see my friend running up and down the hospital giving me tensed stares at times and at times not looking at my face itself. Finally my viva got over. Seeing her franatically pace all over the department, I asked her what was the problem. After slight hesitation, she admitted the little boy who was my patient was missing. I completely LOST my temper with her. For having trusted her to do the job and we are talking about a very small child here. We started searching the entire college (..and that is no small feat due to the huge size of the college.) On top of it all, I had started getting calls from the dad.....

I didn't know what to do. I was worried about the safety of the child. I worried about the dad. I was feeling dizzy with all the tension.

Finally the guys in our class went with their bikes to the area around the child's house to see if by any chance, he had reached back on his own.... and, there he was !! Apparently, he got lost from the crowd of kids and found his way back home on his own.

I didn't know if to be mad at him for going without letting me know or heave a sigh of relief on knowing he was safe.

(Since the parents weren't in the hospital, they weren't aware of the confusion... )

I am no where near being a guardian of a child on my own...

...But for those two hours, I was a parent and it was my child who was lost. And I was WORRIED !!

MCD - 12

Aug 24, 2012
Aug of 2010.

Our final year results came out. Alhamdulilah got a first class and stood 4th in college. Still I had a lingering depression over me so much so I hated going for internship during those initial days.

The reason for the depression was neither did I top in college nor did I top in any of the subjects ( or so I thought then according to the rough calculation amongst pals). Now you might be thinking, 'What a silly reason to be depressed'. To an extent, I agree (now!), but also, I had continually done well in college ,or atleast 2nd and 3rd year and so, suddenly these results were disappointing to me.

I made dua. Continual dua. I asked Allah for happiness and to protect me from sadness and depression. I studied that Hadith* of Rasullullah SAW as reported by Abdullahi Ibn Masud, which says, by repeating it, Allah will take away distress and grief, and replace it with joy...

With days, I had forgotten about the inital sadness and was completely enjoying my free internship days. ( Being forgetful of our past despair and sadness with time, a mercy from Allah, truly, Subhana Allah)

Fast forward to August 2011.

The official list of subject wise rankholders was put up. Surprisingly, I had topped in two subjects. Ma sha Allah. Alhamdulilah.

I did wonder why did I put myself under so much of sadness then !? Why did I think less of myself ? Why did I put down my worth in front of my own eyes, when clearly I had done my level best in studying !?

Not only does this incident remind me of the fact, that most of our worries and sadness are truly baseless, but also, it teaches me a far greater lesson.

Maybe, Allah hid the fact from me initially, so that, I went back to Him with a far greater intensity than before. Maybe my 'Dhikr' was lacking and maybe this sadness helped me to be back on track. Allah knows best.

Every obstacle, adversity, depression, sadness and despair is a detour for us to turn back to Him. It is a medicine to increase our Sabr. It might be a push to prolong our Sajdah. It might be to nudge us to ponder over His words. It might be a way for those dark sins to be washed away. It might be purifying us to enter His Garden. Allah knows best.

A delay never means 'negative'. A delay only means your are being purified and prepared for the best to come.

No dua goes unaswered. Every supplication is answered either in this world or in the Hereafter.

Again, I am going through a phase in which I myself doubt every single ounce of ability and talent, I have. I am insecure of my looks, of achievements, of me myself. All I have now is duas, duas and more duas. Remembering this incident gives me respite and hope.

This post is written , first and foremost, to calm myself and to strengthen my Iman again. And to anyone who comes across this and is going through the same predicament, I wish you peace and strength of mind. Trust your Maker. The Once closer to you than your jugular vein knows you better than you, yourself !

Till next,

A little girl taught me....

Jul 20, 2012
This happened to day - Friday ,20th July. I cant help blog about it because it touched and literally left me moist eyed.

One of our neighbours lost her husband in a car accident on the eve of last Ramadan in Makkah. She is struggling to make her ends meet due to some financial difficulties.

Even with all the difficulties facing her,she tries to give her two little children the best education possible. Her eldest daughter who is in 4 th or 5th grade is a talented painter. The daughter was advised by her class teacher to join for a painting course nearby. The fees was about Rs. 300 for the same besides the transportation charges. The mother being unable to afford the fees said the daughter she couldn't go for the course. Daughter calmly said 'Its ok'.

Evening, since it is Ramadan eve , one of their extended family member gave them some money. Mother explained to the daughter that she will finally enroll her for the course.

That young daughter who is at an age when others would be worrying about dolls and toys, said , 'Allah actually listened to my dua. I prayed for it today afternoon at Jumuah'

Even writing about it makes me teary.

I am amazed at the young girl's tawakkal on Allah and her maturity to grow according to the situation at her home. I pray with a sincere heart, Allah gives the family sustenance and Barakah with her talents.

May Allah shower on them abundant blessings. May He ease their difficulties.

May He bless their father with Jannah.

...for the sisters !

Jun 20, 2012
The movie "Thattathin Marayathu" is making waves on the social networking world ever since the trailer got released.

As a young muslim girl who adorns the Hijab, I am against the idea of the Muslim dress code being potrayed in such a way. ( I mean no disrespect to the people behind the movie, I am merely talking of the concept enhanced in the trailer and the song and it is just my humble opinion )

One of the main reasons in writing this post is due to seeing many Facebook profile pictures coming up recently with the concept of "thattam" . So you might ask me, "Isn't it good, then, if a movie inspires some one to take up the Hijab?" - Yes & No

Yes ---> If it genuinely inspires some one to look up the matter of Hijab & takes it up solely to gain the pleasure of Allah since He has revealed in His Holy Book that the believing women should cover their adornment and lower her gaze.

No ---> If it makes some one to wear a small shawl around her neck / head just for the sake of attracting the attention of the opposite sex.

The Hijab wearing girls come in two :

1) The modest, lowering gaze kind of girl who adorns the Hijab with the only intention of pleasing her Lord.

2) The group of girls who wear it because that is the dress code taught by their parents or they are forced to wear so in the school/college setting that they are placed in.

And now maybe due to the movie, another group might arise with the intention , 'Guys love girls who wear the thattam' since it is mainly targeted at teens and young adults who unfortunately form their opinion based on the latest movie & fashion trends.

Commercializing the idea of the dress code in a movie which actually caters to the college going generation is in itself going to make a negative impact on a simple "thattam itta" girl.

When the punch dialogue is "Thattam' is my weakness" now, the shy thattam itta girl is going to be under so much of negative scrutiny. All she might want is some peace to do her course and complete it, yet what she gets is so much of unwanted attention , which in the first place is one of the reason, why a "thattam" is enforced in her religious laws.

As sisters who wear the Hijab, let us...

1) Purify our intentions in wearing the Hijab and do it solely because we have been commanded by Allahu Subhanahu Wa'Tala, ie, for the sake of Allah & Allah alone. (Let us remind ourselves- Surah 24, verse 31)

2) Extending our "Hijab" not only in the attire we wear but also, to our words, deeds, and action.

May Allah Azzawajal increase us in knowledge which brings us closer to Him. May He guard us from every situation that harms us in our Deen.

May Allah give us the Tawfiq to emulate the four greatest women of Islam - Maryam Alayha Salam, Asiyah - wife of Pharoah, Khadijah Bint Kuwaylid, and Fathima Radi'Allahu Anha.

Make He make us firm in our Deen - Ameen

*Thattathin Marayathu - an upcoming Malayalam movie
*Thattam - shawl, scarf, hijab
*Thattam itta - Hijab clad

Dear Little Brother,

Jun 15, 2012

As you begin the next phase of your education in life, I wish you the very best. May Allah Almighty make the knowledge you gain, a reason for you to come closer to Him and for you to carry forward the flag of our Deen.

Among st siblings , you always had the biggest spot in my heart. Maybe in many of your actions ,you remind me of myself - unsure, not confident and at times, too naive that any one can take advantage of you and start dominating over. Now I understand a tiny fraction of the angst dad went through, when he first left me in Bangalore.

...and I have learnt now,

 Love should never suffocate. Love should always set free so that the other person can soar to the heights they were destined for. 

During all my years in Bangalore, your simple messages of " We are just a call away" or an SMS early in the morning "Enthu patti Ramana" - (Whats wrong) on a day when I didn't want to face the sun have always kept me going. And I promise you the same, support from a sister any time and every time. I will always be a call away whether is it that I am married or in another country or hanging 3 kids upside down, I will always have time for you. I shall listen to your rants if you want to convey in me or just be there by your side, if you dont want to tell me . I shall not judge or lose my temper. (But yeah, I ll advice a hell lot, you know that :D )

Before everything, I hope your are sure and happy with your decision of the course cos that is something you will be doing for the rest of your life :D

College life will be very different from the life you have led until now. 

It will be exciting , adventurous and fun , yet you will have days when it tests you of all your strength. Whatsoever happens, remember this, Allah is always by your side. He is Al Wali - The protecting friend. Derive your strength from Him. Complain and cry of your sadness to Him. Pray your Salah on time. Whether it is 4 AM Fajr or Dhuhr in between classes, say your prayers. Carry your Musallah if you have to with you, but pray on time. Keep the English translation of Qur'aan with you.

Take time in making friends, but make good ones. For they are the ones who will stick by you when you get a blasting session from HoD or when you have to face the stressful ordeals of placements.

You will encounter people whose right and wrong differs from yours. Respect them , but never fall in to a company which actions do not conform to your values of right and wrong. Before you make any decision, whether it be going out with a friend or for a party, ask yourself, two questions, 
" Is it right in front of Allah?"  & " Is it in accordance to the values uppa , umma has taught us?" As long as it is Yes to both, you shall not waver from your path. Never give in to peer pressure. Make your own rules and boundaries and stick by them.

Your certain decisions of not mixing with certain crowd or having food that are Halal only etc might bring in unwanted and sometimes hurtful comments. Be patient with it. If you can explain to them your belief. If not , ignore the negativism respectfully.

 I always try to remind myself this Hadith in such situations ,
"Islam began as something strange and it will return strange as it began, so give glad tidings for the strangers" - Sahih Muslim

You will come in touch with the opposite gender , innumerable times. Choose the path of being neither extremes. Dont be too close so that one day you will have to answer Allah for wrong deeds neither too far that people end up calling "anti -social" . I think , you know better and I might not have to say much !

Your traits of kindness , humility and humour (read -challis) are something I adore in you. Dont ever let these qualities of yours get jaded with time due to cynicism of others.

Too much of advicing eh? (so typically me :D) 

Go in for trips with friends. Have a stay over at a pal's house. Go for a classmate's sister/brother's wedding. Visit the beach.Take many crazy photographs.Ace an exam ;) Have all the fun in the world.  Make memories. These 4 years, whether you like it or not then , will be the memorable ones of your life... 

Whatsoever happens, always know , you have a lovely home to come back to. A place where you are loved, accepted and proud of , always ! :)

May you remain in Allah's protection always!

Me ! :)

PS : Study very well :D :D

MCD - 11

Jun 9, 2012
Out of a batch of 60, I was the only one with a Hijab on. For many of my North- Indian friends, I was their first contact with a Muslim.I was subject to glances and comments on my choice of a different attire. I had to answer many questions of why I wear the Hijab to why I don't eat anything during the month of Ramadan. It was Oct of 2006.

Fast forward to February of 2012.

While going to write one of the Entrance exams which was online based, we had to go in for a pre-test registration, for which they had to go take a photograph via the web cam.

The officials at the desk : " Remove your head covering"
Me : " I will not "

The male official looked at the female official with a surprised -what-to-do-now look.

Female Official : "At least remove the pin n loosen your scarf so that the shape of your face is clear" (As though we were convicted felons and not students about to write an exam!)

On not wanting to make a bigger scene, I loosened my Shayla (removed the hijab pin) such that it still covers my entire hair.

One of my friends, L, who hails from Rajasthan, was behind me in the queue and was quietly noticing the entire conversation. After his registration, he comes over to me and asks...

L : " Why did you remove your safety pin?"
Me : "They told me to !"
L : " You didn't have to "
Me : " I said No once...."
L: " They are not even college or university officials. They are just people sitting on the desk. You should have said a firm No once more..... "

I was pleasantly surprised on being supported by a friend, of different faith, who doesnt know much about mine, yet still defended and supported me, knowing fully well, it is a decision close to my heart.

Media never gives a positive impression of our religion. But if you can change one person's negative view of your religion in to a positive one , by way of your action,views or deeds, then that too is a tiny weeny bit of success from your part.

I leave with this Hadith :

 Abu Darda (RA) reported that Rasulullah (SAW) said, “Nothing is weightier on the Scale of Deeds than one’s good manners.”(Al-Bukhari)

May Allah make us amongst those with the best of manners. May He forgive our shortcomings and weakness. May He make us good ambassadors of our religion.

Earthiness !

May 19, 2012
An update from a mother. This touched a chord, for obvious reasons :)

I remember when my second daughter was born with darker skin color then the rest of the family and I was made to feel as a mother that she was somehow less then my other daughter, less lucky, less beautiful, less.

Like she didn't deserve to wear certain colors, and I shouldn't rejoice in her adorableness just because Allah had chosen for her skin color to be a shade between chocolate and caramel instead of vanilla.

I am not ashamed of loving her a wee bit extra, she reminds me of myself. Earthy.

I have always emphasized inner beauty, and never thought I would have to teach a daughter of mine the value of outer beauty but I have to with her. Dark skin is beautiful, just as lovely to behold as light skin. I don't want her to ever feel like she has to hold back and not follow her dreams because she is made to feel less.

She is a beautiful little girl, effervescent, funny and filled with love, with a propinquity towards the dramatic. Its only on days that she is made to feel less that she visibly withers. On days when a new family will meet us and say in front of her "My, your other three look alike and she is so different".

My love... it is okay to be different. Allah created you this way. Your smile is precious. You glow like Venus when it rises in the Eastern sky, don't sink in the glare of the morning twilight ...you are beautiful.

- As updated by Hena Zuberi

Growing up , (even now!) I was always told to wear certain coloured dresses.I was told only a black coloured scarf would suit me. I have received literally racist like comments, at times , from the people most closest to me. I was made to feel something of "less"because of my skin complexion.

It took me a long time to finally find myself , but I did , Alhamdulilah.

It has taught me like the person above says - Earthiness !
It has taught me to love myself first and to never think anything less of myself because of another person's opinion.
It has taught myself to NEVER judge a person due to their looks/ skin complexion/ attire/ differences.
It has taught me to be broad minded !

I hope I did read some thing like this , when  I was a child.
I hope  I was reminded over and over again I am a creation of The Most Beautiful Creator.

Qualities of a husband !

May 6, 2012

On being a husband, Abdul Qadir Al-Jilani (a 12th Century Islamic Scholar) advises the following:

1. “He must relate to them (his wife & children) on the basis of morality and provide them with fair treatment to the best of his ability."

2. "If he ends up with wealth to spare, he must keep it for the sake of his dependents (wife & children), not for his own sake."

3. "He must not eat, unless they have already eaten."

4. "In relation to his dependents, he must be like a trusted agent and a servant, and like a slave with his master."

5. "He must set service to himself aside, and consider his dependents more important than himself."

6. "When it comes to eating, he must adjust his diet to suit their tastes and not oblige them to follow his own appetite.”

( and they tell women are oppressed in Islam!! :D )

- As tweeted by @Philo_Human

MCD - 10

May 3, 2012
People whom we know becomes people whom we knew. Life changes. We some times have to let go. Channel new paths .

College life is over. We are in different countries now!

Calls dwindle. Mails almost never. The green button on G-talk/Skype - still we dont talk.

From strangers to friends and then sadly again back to strangers. This happens to be the classic cycle of life.

Distance might only increase between us. We might meet again, we might never meet again.

Whatsoever it is,

...we are forever bounded by memories of shared moments together.


Apr 24, 2012

"I have always, essentially, been waiting. Waiting to become something else, waiting to be that person I always thought I was on the verge of becoming, waiting for that life I thought I would have. In my head, I was always one step away. 
In high school, I was biding my time until I could become the college version of myself, the one my mind could see so clearly. In college, the post-college “adult” person was always looming in front of me, smarter, stronger, more organized. Then the married person, then the person I’d become when we have kids. 
For twenty years, literally, I have waited to become the thin version of myself, because that’s when life will really begin. 

And through all that waiting, here I am. My life is passing, day by day, and I am waiting for it to start. I am waiting for that time, that person, that event when my life will finally begin.

 I love movies about “The Big Moment” – the game or the performance or the wedding day or the record deal, the stories that split time with that key event, and everything is reframed, before it and after it, because it has changed everything. I have always wanted this movie-worthy event, something that will change everything and grab me out of this waiting game into the whirlwind in front of me. I cry and cry at these movies, because I am still waiting for my own big moment. I had visions of life as an adventure, a thing to be celebrated and experienced, but all I was doing was going to work and coming home, and that wasn’t what it looked like in the movies. 

John Lennon once said, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” For me, life is what was happening while I was busy waiting for my big moment. I was ready for it and believed that the rest of my life would fade into the background, and that my big moment would carry me through life like a lifeboat.The Big Moment, unfortunately, is an urban myth. Some people have them, in a sense, when they win the Heisman or become the next American Idol. But even that football player or that singer is living a life made up of more than that one moment. Life is a collection of a million, billion moments, tiny little moments and choices, like a handful of luminous, glowing pearl. It takes so much time, and so much work, and those beads and moments are so small, and so much less fabulous and dramatic than the movies. 

But this is what I’m finding, in glimpses and flashes: this is it. This is it, in the best possible way. That thing I’m waiting for, that adventure, that move-score-worthy experience unfolding gracefully. This is it. Normal, daily life ticking by on our streets and sidewalks, in our houses and apartments, in our beds and at our dinner tables, in our dreams and prayers and fights and secrets – this pedestrian life is the most precious thing any of use will ever experience." 

-Shauna NiequistCold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life
(From : 
http://pinterest.com/pin/266767977897005610/ )
Reading the above post on Pinterest by made me think. It is indeed true. We are often waiting. Waiting for our dreams to get fulfilled, our needs be met, our voids be filled.

During my 5 years of college, I wanted to be back in Doha. I used to think then, "oh yeah my 11 & 12th grade used to be soo good. Such good friends.blah.blah" until I came back home once and read through my old journals , which I had written while I was in high school. Most of the entires there were like , 'I wanna get out of the place' blah. Blah.

So basically this was the cycle .

While in school, wanted to finish it, get out of Doha, explore new places and people.

While in college, missed home, missed doha, had some crappy incidents, so there, wanted to finish it, come back to Doha & be with the family. Maybe even work here.

Now I am post college and am home. I am absolutely free. No duty, no responsibilites, no troubles and no studying nightmare also ---> kind of some thing like I wanted while I was preparing for my finals or my post graduate entrance. Now I want to leave Doha again, cos I am bored of doing nothing. Additionally, dream of better days, personally & professionally !

So basically , I realized, I have never learnt to enjoy the moment. I never take in the very essence of "single many moments finally make our life". I forget to realize that every single incident- good,bad or horrible- of past 6 years of life after school have made me what I am today. I wouldn't have been "me" as I am now, hadn't I gone through those !

Like these days , I am doing absolutely nothing besides driving classes ! I read, write, blog, tweet, watch serials, and pray big time. This is all, that I do of late. I donot interact much with my friends either online or through phone (No reasons , just until I clear my head and start functioning productively again, I am in my own coccoon) So basically my point is, there might come a time in my life when I am dealing with a husband, a child (or children) , a job (or a post graduate program) and have my days completely scheduled from 4 in the morning to 12 in the night & then maybe , I might miss these "doing-nothing-other-than-dream-of-a-better-tomorrow" days !!

These "completely free" days are exactly what once I dreamt of when I was utterly busy. So why am I complaining or whining over having to "do nothing " ?

Again comes back to the whole reason for this post - Waiting - How many years of our life do we waste waiting for things that would never come?

...and then I realize , feeling complete with all our desires/dreams/wishes can never be felt in the Dunya. It is an aspect of Jannah alone !

Before I sign off, I leave with this song by Sami Yusuf - Make me strong


Change - A permanent aspect of Life !

Apr 5, 2012
The dark clouds are covering the beautiful moon. Total darkness. After a little while, a shimmering light through the clouds can be seen. Then the hazy moon peeks through for a few minutes. And finally the full moon breaks free of the clouds and shines with its full glory . Light. For some time though.

...and the clouds cover up the moon again !

The evening clouds and its little game with the moon made me to reflect.

Every thing is in motion in this world. Even situations.

"Total darkness" is never permanent. For afterwards, a ray of light is often sent by Lord, which at times is seen by us with all its beauty & sometimes overlooked. "Full moon glory" is also ephemeral. Days pass, situations change, life unrolls....slowly !

In times of "total darkness", we should not despair of our Lord's Mercy.

In times of "full moon glory", we should not forget to be grateful to our Lord, for His Bountiful Bessings !

..... " Appappa"

Mar 29, 2012
Mar 27 2012. My (maternal) grandfather left for his eternal abode. May Allah forgive his sins, shower on him mercy & bless him with Jannathul Firdaus - Ameen.

...And suddenly I am left with no grandparent. All four of my grandparents have left the realm of this world. Inna Lillahi Wa Inna Ilehi Rajioon.

I miss all of them. Each in their own way. I know I am a product of multiplication of their genes. I carry with in me, atleast a trait or a habit or a character of them, which I myself might not be aware of.

We used to call our (maternal) grandfather - Appappa. I donot know which of my elder cousins came up with that name. But to everyone around, his grandkids and neighbour's kids, he was appappa.

To everyone who knew him, I am sure, the foremost memory which will come to them, of him, would be of his wit and humour. I remember, every summer when I used to India for my summer vacation, sitting and chuckling at his witty stories.

I didnot know of the hidden acts of kindness he had done, the innumerable help he had done to the poor people in our locality(until actually I heard someone casually mention of them). I am pretty sure none of his kids or grandkids also know of them. Only Allah, he & the receipients of his kind act do know of them. May Allah accept his every good deed and action.

Everytime I used to come to Calicut from college for a small break or so, he used to make sure I had chicken ,beef or something special to eat :D, cos "Avalkku hostelil onnum nallethu kittathetha(she doesnt get anything good in hostel)" even if it meant calling his favourite "right man" Koyammu, to go to the grocery, at an odd time of the day.

I called up and screamed to him the day when my final year results came to tell "I became a DOCTOR" !!! And he showered me with his blessings and love. I called him up after my Convocation to tell "I become a graduate" and there was pride beaming in his voice. He was the only grandparent I had to, finally tell that a dream of a lifetime did become a reality for me. Alhamdulilah

The last I talked to him was during my PG entrance exams and he gave me his best wishes. He told me " You should do your master's some day sure" Insha'allah, some day I will, Insha'allah , with Lord's grace !

He was so quite worried when my lil brother went to Jaipur for his engineering. He worried everytime I travelled to and fro , blore & doha. A grandparent's love can only be shown by a grandparent. In their wisdom of age, a lifetime of experience and spirituality ,indeed, there are lessons for us to learn.

Sooner or later, I will meet the man I will spend the rest of my life with (In sha'Allah ) and it saddens me no end to realize that "my man" would never be able to see my grandpa or any of my grandparents. I can only recount stories to him and my children ( In sha'Allah )

Someday soon when I make "Pathiri" from start to end on my own, I would dearly want to let grandpa know of it :( He always used to tease me "Pallu Undakunethu mathram padichal pora, pathiri undakunethum padikkanam" ---> (Learning how to make teeth alone isn't enough, you gotta learn how to make Pathiri too) Ah ! I miss you, Appappa , I really do... :(

He got married to grandma when he was 23 and she was 13. They lived together for 55+ years happily until she passed away in 2003. He lived 9 years alone without her. I often used to wonder how difficult it would have been for him ! And my cousin sis used to say, after grandma's death, he was never actually fully himself :(

He is survived today by 7 children, 24 grandkids,26 great grandkids and the family grows...... In sha Allah

In course of life, every human comes across situations like these. Death - that indeed is the truest fact of life. This grief and sorrow of losing a loved one will always be within us, until we close our own eyes. There will come a place where no grief shall touch us and where we will be with our loved ones. That is His Promised Gardens of Jannah.

May Allah Subhanahu Wa Tala' unite us again with our loved ones in the eternal blissful gardens of His Jannah - Ameen.

(and a small article in Malayalam http://malabardigest.com/?p=849

Words of Wisdom - 2

Mar 8, 2012

Life is the train, not the station.

( Aleph - By Paulo Coelho )


Mar 7, 2012
I am writing this only to clear my head and to finish off today with today. 15 more minutes for 12 and I will finish today with this.

Too often I have been wondering why my life happens this way. There are so many people who get things so easily, where as I always had to struggle to get whatever I wanted. I know Allah tests the people whom He loves most. So I try to think , He loves me...but somewhere, I lose track of my optimism.and today is one such day.

I succeded til now in almost everything I did ( God's grace alone, Alhamdulilah ) and yet when in the wake of this failure, I cannot cope with it. My mind is too weak. My heart is swaying to some unknown beat.

All that I want to do and is doing is to cry...just cry to my hearts content, so that when I finish, my mind can become clear and heart can become strong again.... I have lost many things in life, some of which were never mine to begin with...

It is extremely hard to go about smiling to everyone, to your loved ones, for fear of hurting them, even thought you feel broken and depressed. I wish to be strong again, atleast for them.

I am too complicated right now, even for myself. 24 hours to go for my 24th bday & then I want to complete this phase I am going through. Its hard... But I know, I will eventually clear this out. I have Allah with me , always had, always will...

Time will heal all wounds. It has healed so many. It will heal many more.

Ya Rabb, bless me with strength of mind and pour upon me patience. Help any soul, and every soul going through every sort of hardship - Ameen

Words of Wisdom

Mar 4, 2012

" Allah is Al Wahab (the one who loves to give gifts) and Al Kareem (the most generous). Therefore the default is that He loves to give. So, think about it. We must know that if Al Wahab, Al Kareem has withheld something from us, it must be because Al- Aleem (the most knowing) and Al Hakeem (the Most Wise) knows in His knowledge and wisdom  that at this time it is best for us that it be withheld. And so, Al Rahman (the most merciful) withholds. Know that He withholds to give "

- Sister Yasmin Mogahed

Feb frenzy !

Feb 15, 2012
I come here again to rant.

The past 2 months have been tiring. Just tiring. With all these PG exams. Realized the true competition of Medical Entrance only now. Two more exams to go. But I have completely lost hope now. Maybe I might not clear this time. Maybe I might never write these exams again. Don't know. I donot know when did the optimist me become a completely pessimist me .

There is something I have been hoping for. Dreaming for. Wishing for. Praying for.

But I trust the Divine Decree. Whatsoever it is. It is the 6th pillar of Iman - To believe in fate, good or evil.

My Rabb knows me better than I do myself. His Plan for me is anyday better than my lowly desires and wishes. Thawakalthu-ala- Allah ! :)

Smile !

Jan 17, 2012
Sometimes in life we feel so blue,
but someone somewhere is not happy as you.
somewhere far at the border when a soldier sleeps,
missing his loved ones he silently weeps.
somewhere a mother painfully sighs coz,
her new born baby didnt open her eyes.
somewhere a poor dad silently cries,
when he sees his son begging for a bowl of rice.
somewhere in an orphanage a little girl is sad,
when she misses her mom and dad.
So at times a reason to smile you may not have any,
say to yourself that you are happier than many.
'cause life is beautiful and its not always blue,
and someone somewhere is not as happy as you. :-)



Jan 16, 2012
This post is basically written so that blog doesnt go empty in the first month of 2012 itself. And maybe another one of those venting episodes !

Just realized it has been 4 years since I started blogging, though I aint a frequent blogger. I like having my own space on web-o-sphere. And yes I hardly let any one I know in real life, know about the blog.

Here, I am back in the same place where I spent 5 years of my life, preparing for my post- graduate entrance exams. One down. 6 more exams to go. Insha'allah. I wonder how will I fare in them.

For a long time , I was confused whether I really wanted to do MDS or not,considering the fact ,I really didnt have the strength in me to stay again for 3 more years without anyone around ,so far away from my dear family.. Then when I finally realized I wanted to do and started preparing for the exams, maybe ,it was just a lil bit late. Hmm.. Dono. Anyways trying my level best now, Insha'allah! I really do pray and hope I get in through and get a seat of my choice in a city I can live by.

I waited for a long time for some door to open up for me. I waited for some signs from Lord. Nothing did. Alhamdulilah for it, cos then I finally understood ,I cannot keep expecting life to happen. I have to make it happen for myself, all by myself. We have to do our part & then leave the rest to Lord. Preparing for PG is one of the first steps in it. Insha'allah.

A few months back, at home, seeing my agonizing confused state ,my mom adviced me, 'go pray Salaathul Isthikhara. Ask Allah for guidance. He knows your troubles' . And seriously , I supposed it changed my outlook a whole lot. I had read/studied about Salathul Isthikhara a lot. But never really prayed until then. I used to think it was only for decisions related to marriage or so. I was wrong. I understand now, it is for any decision in regards. To ask Allah to bless us with something which is good for us in our Deen, our livelihood, our affairs, both in this world and in the Hereafter and also for us to be pleased and happy with the blessing. I would suggest the same ,to anyone going through indecisive or confusive stages of their life. I only wished I had prayed earlier.

There is none who knows us better than Allah Subhanahu Wa'Tala'.

Besides, a close friend of mine got 'nikkah-ed' . Couldn't be there for the function cos of the so called exams. Felt really low cos we grew up together, had our crazy girl's dreams together, and she is one of the only two people whom I had promised (since childhood) that I would be there for her big day, but I couldn't ! Insha'allah hoping to be there for the reception. May Allah Almighty bless you with the best in this world & the Hereafter Akhira. May your days ahead be blessed with joy, love & happiness and may it erase all those dark, depressing days, you had gone through. May you both remain under God's protection always & May He make this union a reason for you both to come closer to Him.

Before I vent, any more of my boring thoughts, I really need to stop, I suppose :D

'O overturner of hearts, make my heart firm in your religion'

Ya Rabb, make me among the company of the righteous .
Ya Rabb, make me one of your slaves who is always pleased and happy with Your Decree.